Wednesday, 29 December 2010

A Heart Filled With Young Love?

At the age of 11 thought that love was only a word to describe a feeling of only happiness that would be shared with the person who has the key to your heart. Of course you'd think that is it typical for a child at such a young age to think about love in such a way due to the fact that they have been brain washed by Disney films such as Cinderella, Snow White, Beauty and the Beast and many more. You'd hear your child come home claiming that they are in love and have had 5 boyfriends already and counting at the age of 8 or possibly younger. I remember having fantasies of being in love with a handsome guy when I was about 6...but 7 was when everything started to change for me. When I stopped believing in love and started to become quite depressed.
For 5 years things were going from bad to worse with family problems and all that (which still haven't changed).
On the sixth year things were slightly starting to look up for me though. I started to "go out" with a guy who I thought was my best friend. I suppose if I have to rate him as a friend I'd give him 5/5 but as a boyfriend it would have to be 3/’m being too generous 2/5. Going out with him for 4 months was a complete waste of time, but one good thing did come out of it though. I met his friends and one of his friends especially caught my eye. No he wasn't drop dead gorgeous. No he wasn't blonde. No he didn't have shiny blue eyes. No, he wasn't perfect and was nothing like the person in my fantasy. Adam was his name and from the first day I met him I felt like we had a bond. At that time I knew it was wrong to feel like that for my boyfriend’s best friend but I couldn't stop myself. So I started talking to him on MSN and one thing led to another, we soon started talking to each other more and more and then all of a sudden we started texting each other constantly. About a week later he went on this trip with a group of people for a couple of days...and it felt strange. I had no one to talk to and I felt alone even though I was going out with someone he was never there to talk to me. Not like Adam was. Those couple of days that he was gone felt like a couple of weeks. During those days I had time to think about what I was doing, about how I was feeling...but it was too late anyway.
The next day he came back with a surprise for me. He was in love with someone. I even remember how he put "--------> <3 That special someone <3 <---------" on his MSN name as soon as he came back. I didn't know what to think not to mention what to do. That was the first time I felt a slight hint of jealousy. I decided to scrap those thoughts that I had while he was gone and just carried on life like nothing had happened. As soon as he signed onto MSN I started talking to him again. "Hey! Your back! I missed you :P" was the first thing I said to him. The only reason I put :P was to hide the fact that I actually meant it. Later that day I started to ask him who this "special someone" was, he told me who it was and told me to keep it a secret. Little did he know that I had a secret of my own to keep anyway. Every day for the past two weeks I asked him how his love life was going. He kept telling me how much he was in love with her and how beautiful she looked when she was at his house. He didn't have a clue how I felt for him and he wasn't going to know any time soon either. Day after day I pretended to act like nothing was up with me by telling him he should just go for it and ask her out, telling him to tell her how he felt about her. But all that time it should have been me following those instructions.
I was so caught up thinking about him that I even forgot that I was supposed to be seeing someone at that time, but it didn't matter. No one knew and no one had to know, expect me. It was just my little secret. As day after day went by I felt as if the paper box keeping my secret was wearing thin. Adam soon realised that by boyfriend never spoke to me and thought I should just dump him and to be quite honest I agreed with him. The next day he realised that I was down and later that day everything just blurted out...he found out how I felt about him and everything just went tits up. So I just thought fuck it and my boyfriend just signed in on MSN. “Great timing” was I thought at the time and just dumping him on MSN. Ah well...he didn't seem to care any less anyway.
After that day I guess you could say everything started looking up. I thought about Adam every night and didn't feel bad about it. The next day was unexpected. I and Adam had a casual conversation which then turned into a conversation about how we both felt about each other, and later that day out of nowhere he asked me out. In my head I thought that if I said yes then I'd feel rather bad for going out with another guy the next day but my heart told me to just go for it because it felt right. The choice was up to me....

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